Deepen your relationships with others by applying these 8 practical steps
Human compassion evolved from mammalian caring. This is the neurobiology that instinctively enables a mammal to protect and nurture its offspring so that they grow and function well and survive to be fit - this also functions in humans in the same way. When we are engaged in caregiving and nurture, our parasympathetic rest and digest, feed and breed part of our autonomic nervous system is activated, enabling us to slow down and do the necessary caring, and at the same time feel relaxed.
Psychologist Paul Gilbert of the Compassionate Mind Foundation calls this our soothing system and it is the opposite state to when the threat system of fight-flight-freeze is activated. Finding ways to switch this soothing system on by being in connection with others in a compassionate way is a natural way to alleviate stress, anxiety and depression. It will also help with social anxiety as it puts the focus outward onto the other person and away from personal worries about interacting well enough. Try the below steps for building your compassion towards others.
Learn about what compassion is and what it isn’t, and its benefits to you and others. Compassion is a sensitivity of and to the suffering and pain of others, with a desire to alleviate it and prevent it. Attending to others with a kind and caring attitude helps them cope with their pain. Self-compassion is turning this attitude on yourself. Notice your own suffering and treat yourself with the same kindness and care that you might treat another
Recognise the inevitability of suffering and that there is a common humanity in this and a willingness to help each other. We are better in compassionate connection than in separate isolation
Listen with more empathy. Imagine things from the other’s perspective as much as you can and communicate this attempt at understanding
Spend time during your day silently wishing other people well, wishing them happiness and freedom from suffering. Do this during any mindful practice or quiet time you find, or when travelling, or on a break from work
Mindfulness is the opposite to over-identifying with unhelpful judgemental thoughts and so it is important to practice it to build compassion. Include a practice where you cultivate feelings of compassion for the things which are easiest, for example, people you love, close friends and family, pets etc. Then extend this ‘circle of compassion’ towards acquaintances and strangers. And then, perhaps towards people you don’t like
Increase your acts of kindness to others. Help people to do things that they cannot or might struggle to do for themselves. Be helpful rather than harmful in your relations with others
Try to shift from a self-focus to a systems-focus, recognise yourself as part of a much larger connected biological system in which cooperation commonly results in better outcomes
Carry on honing your skills of noticing, approaching, alleviating and preventing suffering in yourself and others – such as non-judgement, empathy, distress, tolerance and courage